i fucking hate feeling like this...

i woke up, all excited and ready to start the day. then i went to my appointment to give blood at work. i had an appointment for 11:45, but i had to sit and wait for about an hour, because the red cross is stuuuuupid. they actually decided to take my blood this time, and it hurt like a bitch. my arm is still sore, but thankfully bruiseless.

it pretty much drained me... literally and psychologically. i've just been feeling down, and depressed and totally without energy ever since.

came home, wrote out a bunch of thank-you cards for my graduation presents.

didn't feel very accomplished.

ignored the laundry, dishes, my room, and the myriad other things i could have/should have done today.

watched tv like the lazy slob i am.

realized that the coupon/giftcard to old navy my aunt angie gave me for graduation expired tomorrow, so i dragged myself to the mall (i hate the shops at evergreen walk more than i can tell you... i hate all of the manchester mall area, pretty much. it is the definition of urban sprawl.) i used all of the giftcard. most of the stuff i got was on sale, which was good. i hate spending money though. i feel guilty and just...depressed, which isn't what i needed.

some people shop to bring their moods up... it just brings mine down.

regardless, my $100 giftcard and $10 coupon got me:
-bikini, which i like, but in some paradoxical way makes me even more depressed because it's something a girl my size probably shouldn't wear in public
-2 long sleeve t-shirts
-1 striped collared shirt
-4 scarf-belt things that i plan on wearing as head scarves
-1 white cotton embroidered tank top that i like very much
-1 blue and brown plaid bag that matches my blue pea coat

i didn't even bother trying on pants. far too depressing.

afterwards i went to play racquetball with justin, which i'd basically been looking forward to all day. unfortunately, justin went to weigh himself because he's lost a lot of weight lately, and just for kicks, i hopped up on the scale and almost cried. 200.5 lbs. i've never weighed that much. ever. for some reason, i was always fine with how i look/weigh before, but seeing 200 on the scale really bothered me for some reason. even now, just thinking about it, i feel like crying. i never thought i'd feel like this. i hate girls that obsess over their weight and talk about it nonstop, but this is just...too much. i've gained so much weight lately, and i could stop it if i wanted to, but i'm so lazy, and that just makes me more upset. i just feel so...disgusted with myself, i guess.

anyway, i tried to be energetic, and i really wanted to play, but justin made me stop because i didn't look well, and honestly, i felt like i might pass out any minute. my head was spinning, and i couldn't make my feet move. i just felt... bad... the blood-loss finally caught up with me i think.

justin followed me home because he was worried about me, but i made it home okay.

got online, got thoroughly whomped by timmy at literati, talked to kevin and kelly...

i still feel sick. i don't want to move, and i'm exhausted but i don't feel like going to bed.

i haven't felt this bad, physically and mentally in awhile.

i hope it doesn't last. please, please...just go away...

i can't even believe i weigh 200. un-be-fucking-lievable.